30 Days of Thanks: Day 30--Pairings

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today I've been thinking a lot about pairings. Not wine and cheese or beer and food pairings (you're too young for those topics anyway)...people pairings. God has placed certain people in our lives who have made an incredible impact on us, particularly since you died. These people have said (or messaged) the things we needed to hear, done the things we needed accomplished, listened when we needed to talk, prayed for us when we needed strength and courage, and cried with us when we needed understanding. Family, friends, nurses, pastors, doctors, colleagues, acquaintances, and even empathetic strangers have crossed our path at exactly the moment we needed them most. They weren't necessarily the people we expected to be there for us. That's how I know they were sent from God. So, I am unbelievably grateful for the people who He paired us with in our time of greatest need.

This is the last day in the 30 Days of Thanks. It has challenged me to be intentional about my gratefulness. I hope it has helped others see that even in the midst of tragedy, there is always something to be thankful for. Sometimes, you just have to dig a little bit to find it.

I'll probably take a break from blogging for a bit. But I'll be back soon, sweet girl. I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 29--My Caretaker

Dear Jordy-Bug,

This evening Mommy isn't feeling very well. I have a headache, a stomach ache, and feel yucky all over. This doesn't sound like something to be thankful for...and I'm not, really. What I am grateful for is that Daddy takes good care of me when I feel this way. He's an awesome pillow, he gets me whatever medicine I need, and he doesn't make me feel guilty for wanting to go to bed at 8pm. I'm lucky to have him in my life.

I think I'm heading to bed now, sweetie, so this is a short one tonight. Know that I love you and miss you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 28--Grace, Mercy, Love...Hope

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Some mornings, I just want to throw the covers over my head and stay in bed. There's no purpose, no happiness, no hope. The 28th of each month is usually one of "those days." I battle depression, hopelessness, and anger as we commemorate the anniversary of your death. I cry and sometimes even scream. I shake my fist at God and ask "Why?" But, oddly enough, today was different. I woke up sad, but not hopeless.

We know you're in heaven. For the first time in months, though, it is truly sinking in. Jesus promised us that if we believe in the one true God who gave His only Son as atonement for our sins, we will live forever with Him (and you) in heaven. Daddy and I will join you some day and we'll see you again. I'm grateful for the hope that stems from the grace, mercy, and love shown to us by God in John 3:16.

You're a lucky girl to be in His midst. As much as I wish you were here, I know He is taking much better care of you than we ever could. We'll see you again some day. Things will get better. I have hope. Jordyn 3:14.

Happy 8-month anniversary in heaven, sweetie. I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 27--Choices

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today I am thankful for choices. Choices like walking or driving. Speaking out or remaining silent. Wearing jeans or skirts (Mommy never chooses skirts, by the way). Eating in or dining out. Getting married or staying single. Reading a book or surfing the internet. Voting Democratic or Republican. Watching TV or going to a movie. Drinking wine or beer. Going to school or remaining uneducated. Loving or hating. Believing in God or adhering to atheism.

Some of these may seem like mundane choices. Some of them are big, important choices. Regardless, they are decisions that not everyone has the economic, political, or religious freedom to make. It is a testament to how blessed Daddy and I are that we have the luxury of making them. Even the silly ones.

Today and every day, we love you, remember you, and honor you. Those aren't conscious choices though. They are part of who we are. And I'm grateful for that too.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 26--Surviving the Day

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I'm thankful this day is almost finished. I no longer have patience for things that don't go well.

Even on craptastic days, I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 25--Photographs

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I am so grateful that we have lots of photographs of you. Some bereaved mommies and daddies have only one or two pictures, some only have ultrasound shots, and some don't even have that. My heart hurts for those parents. I don't want to imagine not being able to see your sweet face whenever I wake up in the morning, or enter my office at work, or turn on my computer, or use my phone, or open my purse, or walk into any room in our house. Although we will never have any new pictures of you, I am thankful that I get to see you every day. Even if it's only in photos.

I love you, precious Jordyn.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 24--Our Home

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today as I sat on the comfy couch, with a warm blanket and a snuggly kitty on my lap, playing a little Words with Friends on the iPad, and watching the Wisconsin game, the last thing I wanted to do was fire up the computer to write this blog. Then it hit me, I was warm and comfy because we have a nice house.

In less than an hour, I'll be on my way downtown to the Edward Jones Dome to watch the Blue Springs game with Daddy. I will, undoubtedly, pass a few people who call the street their home. It's not right and it's not fair. Life is not fair. I need to remember how lucky I really am. So, I got my lazy butt off the couch, displacing a none-too-happy Lucy, and here I am.

As grateful as I am for our home, I selfishly wish you could have shared it with us. Daddy and I bought, borrowed, or were showered with everything you could possibly need or want. We have a beautiful crib, swings, lamb seat, Pack N Play, bassinet, floor gym, ExerSaucer, Boppy, Bumbo, stroller and car seat, glider-rocker, toys, books, stuffed animals, blankets, bottles, bath tub, medicine, lotions and cremes, baby wash, diapers and wipes (lots and lots of diapers and wipes), video monitor, adorable clothes, and much more. And you never got to use any of it. We painstakingly and lovingly decorated your nursery so it would be perfect for you. Daddy and I still go in there when we're feeling down to rock in your glider. Usually, we read one of your many books to you. But sometimes we just sit and think. Think about how much we miss you and wish you were here with us.

Our house is way too quiet without you.

I miss you and love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 23--Christmas for Others

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Yesterday, Daddy and I spent the day with the Sander side of the family for Thanksgiving. Although I was worried about the holiday without you, it was an "OK" day. We enjoyed each others' company, watched some football, went to visit your brick at the Angel of Hope, and had a lovely meal. I thought of you often and missed you terribly, but I didn't cry. Daddy struggled at times, but he kept it together as well. In our world, that's a pretty good day.

Today is the official beginning of the Christmas season. It is also the first day of Daddy's annual two-day stint at the Edward Jones Dome to watch the Missouri State High School Football Championship games. So, it has not been a good day for Mommy. There have been lots of tears. In fact, I'm struggling to find anything to be thankful for today.

The thought of Christmas without you makes us die a little more inside. Daddy and I just can't bear to celebrate this holiday without you. You were supposed to be experiencing all of the magic of the season for the first time with us. Instead, you'll be celebrating in heaven and we'll be mourning on earth. We're not putting up a tree, hanging stockings, setting out the nativity scene and other festive decorations, or hanging twinkling Christmas lights like we had planned before you were born. Except for a couple ornaments we found specially for you, Christmas doesn't exist here this year. We're not sending Christmas cards (this is particularly heartbreaking, because we intended to have your sweet little self dressed in your Christmas best on the front of the card.) We're not even going to Grandma and Grandpa Sander's or to church on Christmas Eve. Instead, we found a condo in Panama City Beach where we're going to try to get away from life for a while, avoid Christmas and our birthdays, and honor you privately. Maybe we'll see a ladybug or two while we're down there in the warmer climate, since we still haven't seen any here in Missouri.

So, after all that, I guess what I'm thankful for is that others will have a joyous Christmas season, even if we won't. We miss and love you so much it hurts, Bug.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 22--Reliable Transportation

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today, as we were driving to Grandma and Grandpa Sander's house for Thanksgiving, it occurred to me that we are blessed to be able to jump in the car and go just about wherever we want to. We have two reliable vehicles that we take for granted. Many people don't even have one. I'm grateful to have the means to get safely from place to place.

I still miss your little car seat that we had installed for a little over a month. Now it's in storage. Maybe if we're lucky, your little brother or sister could ride in it one day. Can you put in a plug with God on that one for us. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving in heaven. We love you, sweetie.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 21--Breakfast for Dinner

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Daddy and I just finished a tasty dinner. We made scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, bacon, and buttermilk pancakes. It was a nice treat, especially since we slept in today and missed breakfast (and plan to do the same tomorrow.)

When I was pregnant with you, you always squirmed and wriggled whenever we had breakfast for dinner. I think you liked the syrup. Lol. Those extra-energetic movements made me picture you as a baby, sitting in your high chair, using your tiny hands to shove pieces of syrupy pancake into your little mouth, getting it in your hair, your ears, and all over the floor. That image made me smile. It still makes me smile, though there's a sadness behind it. Now, I can only imagine you enjoying your pancakes in heaven without us. They're probably the best pancakes ever, though. So eat up, little one. You have the angels to clean you up afterwards. ;)

I love you!

Love,