I'm not sure if it's because we just passed the 28th of the month and my emotions are raw...or because I've contracted strep throat and my already tested patience is wearing even more thin, but I need to get a few things off my chest that have been bothering me for a while now. You're the best listener out there, Jordyn, so thanks in advance for letting me vent.
The incident.
A couple weeks ago I went in to a local retail store to find an accessory for my Angel Ball* dress. The friendly saleswoman bounced over to me and squealed with delight when she realized that I was "in a family way." She peppered me with the usual questions, "How far along are you?," "Is it a boy or a girl?," "Do you have a name picked out?," and then the kicker..."Is this your first child?" [For anyone who has had to say hello and good-bye to their baby, this elicits an anxiety that cannot be described. Many women choose their answer depending on who is asking. If it's someone she will likely never see again, she may say "Yes" and hope the conversation moves on. If it's someone who will reappear in her life or someone with whom she thinks she may become friends, she will likely say "No, this is my second/third/etc. child." If more questions persist, she can then decide how much of her story to share.] I have never felt comfortable telling anyone that your sister is my first child. Because that is a complete and awful lie. YOU are my first child, little Bug. I won't dishonor you by telling anyone otherwise. Although I try to be considerate of other people's feelings, I don't care if it makes the questioner uncomfortable when s/he persists in their questions and I explain about our family to them. But what happened at the store made me take pause. When she asked if this was my first child, I responded, "No, this is our second little girl." Her response was "Oh." Looking dejected (I swear that her shoulders actually slumped), she quietly muttered "Let me know if you need any help with anything else" and she shuffled off.
What the...WHAT? Is a second child so mundane for the world that your sister's impending arrival is not worthy of as much excitement and attention as yours was? I already have trepidation about raising a child who may feel like she has to compete with a perfect sister. You never cried, never talked back, never dated anyone Daddy and I disapproved of, never gave less than your best effort, never failed a class, never stayed out past your curfew, never got caught smoking or drinking, or...anything else. You are perfect. So, for the salesperson to marginalize my second daughter like that really added fuel to the fire. I didn't say anything then because it all didn't sink in completely until after I'd left the store, but next time I will be ready.
Now would be an appropriate time for Mommy to apologize to any friends out there toward whom I may have acted similarly. I'm sorry if I ever showed less than extreme joy upon hearing the news of your expected 2nd, 3rd, or even 10th child. ALL babies are miraculous gifts from God and should be treated as such. (Jordyn, you taught me that.)
Here we are all dressed up for the Angel Ball.
For the record, I didn't end up spending any money
in that store for accessories. Your ladybug cremation
locket around my neck was all I needed.
The shower.
Several friends have asked me in the last couple of months if we want a shower this time around for your baby sister. Initially, my response was no because I don't want to be the center of attention at all, I'm not girly enough to appreciate the usual cake and punch awkwardness that is a traditional baby shower, and it's been ingrained in me that it is proper to have a shower only for the first-born. After much contemplation though, I came to understand the importance of celebrating second (and all) children, so I adjusted my stance on the shower. A baby shower isn't about the Mommy or the Daddy. It's about reveling in the miracle that God has created. I fret about offending family and friends who might see a second shower as greedy overkill. But we didn't decide to give the go-ahead for the party so we can get gifts or attention. In fact, we'd rather not have the spectacle of stopping the shenanigans so others have to offer the obligatory "oohs" and "aahs" as they watch us open diapers and booger wipes. That may sound snarky, but it's the truth. And as I said before, this isn't about us. We are rejoicing over your new sister. We don't want her to open her baby book and see blank pages where the photos and other memorabilia from the shower should be. What would we say to her? "Oh, you were second, so we didn't celebrate you?" That's absurd and we can't do that to her. We are blessed to have good friends who want to celebrate your Sissy and are honoring our wishes for a low-key co-ed BBQ. I heard there may be a few ladybugs dotting the landscape too...because we can't celebrate the life of our Rainbow Baby without celebrating you, too, sweet girl.
Meaning of Rainbow Baby.
Thanks again for letting me vent, Jordy-Bug. Hopefully I didn't offend too many people along the way.
*Due to the overwhelming support of our family and friends, we raised over $2,000 for SHARE in 2012 and were invited to be their guests as Ambassadors at the $100 per plate fundraising ball.
All my love,
