30 Days of Thanks: Day 30--Pairings

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today I've been thinking a lot about pairings. Not wine and cheese or beer and food pairings (you're too young for those topics anyway)...people pairings. God has placed certain people in our lives who have made an incredible impact on us, particularly since you died. These people have said (or messaged) the things we needed to hear, done the things we needed accomplished, listened when we needed to talk, prayed for us when we needed strength and courage, and cried with us when we needed understanding. Family, friends, nurses, pastors, doctors, colleagues, acquaintances, and even empathetic strangers have crossed our path at exactly the moment we needed them most. They weren't necessarily the people we expected to be there for us. That's how I know they were sent from God. So, I am unbelievably grateful for the people who He paired us with in our time of greatest need.

This is the last day in the 30 Days of Thanks. It has challenged me to be intentional about my gratefulness. I hope it has helped others see that even in the midst of tragedy, there is always something to be thankful for. Sometimes, you just have to dig a little bit to find it.

I'll probably take a break from blogging for a bit. But I'll be back soon, sweet girl. I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 29--My Caretaker

Dear Jordy-Bug,

This evening Mommy isn't feeling very well. I have a headache, a stomach ache, and feel yucky all over. This doesn't sound like something to be thankful for...and I'm not, really. What I am grateful for is that Daddy takes good care of me when I feel this way. He's an awesome pillow, he gets me whatever medicine I need, and he doesn't make me feel guilty for wanting to go to bed at 8pm. I'm lucky to have him in my life.

I think I'm heading to bed now, sweetie, so this is a short one tonight. Know that I love you and miss you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 28--Grace, Mercy, Love...Hope

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Some mornings, I just want to throw the covers over my head and stay in bed. There's no purpose, no happiness, no hope. The 28th of each month is usually one of "those days." I battle depression, hopelessness, and anger as we commemorate the anniversary of your death. I cry and sometimes even scream. I shake my fist at God and ask "Why?" But, oddly enough, today was different. I woke up sad, but not hopeless.

We know you're in heaven. For the first time in months, though, it is truly sinking in. Jesus promised us that if we believe in the one true God who gave His only Son as atonement for our sins, we will live forever with Him (and you) in heaven. Daddy and I will join you some day and we'll see you again. I'm grateful for the hope that stems from the grace, mercy, and love shown to us by God in John 3:16.

You're a lucky girl to be in His midst. As much as I wish you were here, I know He is taking much better care of you than we ever could. We'll see you again some day. Things will get better. I have hope. Jordyn 3:14.

Happy 8-month anniversary in heaven, sweetie. I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 27--Choices

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today I am thankful for choices. Choices like walking or driving. Speaking out or remaining silent. Wearing jeans or skirts (Mommy never chooses skirts, by the way). Eating in or dining out. Getting married or staying single. Reading a book or surfing the internet. Voting Democratic or Republican. Watching TV or going to a movie. Drinking wine or beer. Going to school or remaining uneducated. Loving or hating. Believing in God or adhering to atheism.

Some of these may seem like mundane choices. Some of them are big, important choices. Regardless, they are decisions that not everyone has the economic, political, or religious freedom to make. It is a testament to how blessed Daddy and I are that we have the luxury of making them. Even the silly ones.

Today and every day, we love you, remember you, and honor you. Those aren't conscious choices though. They are part of who we are. And I'm grateful for that too.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 26--Surviving the Day

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I'm thankful this day is almost finished. I no longer have patience for things that don't go well.

Even on craptastic days, I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 25--Photographs

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I am so grateful that we have lots of photographs of you. Some bereaved mommies and daddies have only one or two pictures, some only have ultrasound shots, and some don't even have that. My heart hurts for those parents. I don't want to imagine not being able to see your sweet face whenever I wake up in the morning, or enter my office at work, or turn on my computer, or use my phone, or open my purse, or walk into any room in our house. Although we will never have any new pictures of you, I am thankful that I get to see you every day. Even if it's only in photos.

I love you, precious Jordyn.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 24--Our Home

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today as I sat on the comfy couch, with a warm blanket and a snuggly kitty on my lap, playing a little Words with Friends on the iPad, and watching the Wisconsin game, the last thing I wanted to do was fire up the computer to write this blog. Then it hit me, I was warm and comfy because we have a nice house.

In less than an hour, I'll be on my way downtown to the Edward Jones Dome to watch the Blue Springs game with Daddy. I will, undoubtedly, pass a few people who call the street their home. It's not right and it's not fair. Life is not fair. I need to remember how lucky I really am. So, I got my lazy butt off the couch, displacing a none-too-happy Lucy, and here I am.

As grateful as I am for our home, I selfishly wish you could have shared it with us. Daddy and I bought, borrowed, or were showered with everything you could possibly need or want. We have a beautiful crib, swings, lamb seat, Pack N Play, bassinet, floor gym, ExerSaucer, Boppy, Bumbo, stroller and car seat, glider-rocker, toys, books, stuffed animals, blankets, bottles, bath tub, medicine, lotions and cremes, baby wash, diapers and wipes (lots and lots of diapers and wipes), video monitor, adorable clothes, and much more. And you never got to use any of it. We painstakingly and lovingly decorated your nursery so it would be perfect for you. Daddy and I still go in there when we're feeling down to rock in your glider. Usually, we read one of your many books to you. But sometimes we just sit and think. Think about how much we miss you and wish you were here with us.

Our house is way too quiet without you.

I miss you and love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 23--Christmas for Others

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Yesterday, Daddy and I spent the day with the Sander side of the family for Thanksgiving. Although I was worried about the holiday without you, it was an "OK" day. We enjoyed each others' company, watched some football, went to visit your brick at the Angel of Hope, and had a lovely meal. I thought of you often and missed you terribly, but I didn't cry. Daddy struggled at times, but he kept it together as well. In our world, that's a pretty good day.

Today is the official beginning of the Christmas season. It is also the first day of Daddy's annual two-day stint at the Edward Jones Dome to watch the Missouri State High School Football Championship games. So, it has not been a good day for Mommy. There have been lots of tears. In fact, I'm struggling to find anything to be thankful for today.

The thought of Christmas without you makes us die a little more inside. Daddy and I just can't bear to celebrate this holiday without you. You were supposed to be experiencing all of the magic of the season for the first time with us. Instead, you'll be celebrating in heaven and we'll be mourning on earth. We're not putting up a tree, hanging stockings, setting out the nativity scene and other festive decorations, or hanging twinkling Christmas lights like we had planned before you were born. Except for a couple ornaments we found specially for you, Christmas doesn't exist here this year. We're not sending Christmas cards (this is particularly heartbreaking, because we intended to have your sweet little self dressed in your Christmas best on the front of the card.) We're not even going to Grandma and Grandpa Sander's or to church on Christmas Eve. Instead, we found a condo in Panama City Beach where we're going to try to get away from life for a while, avoid Christmas and our birthdays, and honor you privately. Maybe we'll see a ladybug or two while we're down there in the warmer climate, since we still haven't seen any here in Missouri.

So, after all that, I guess what I'm thankful for is that others will have a joyous Christmas season, even if we won't. We miss and love you so much it hurts, Bug.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 22--Reliable Transportation

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today, as we were driving to Grandma and Grandpa Sander's house for Thanksgiving, it occurred to me that we are blessed to be able to jump in the car and go just about wherever we want to. We have two reliable vehicles that we take for granted. Many people don't even have one. I'm grateful to have the means to get safely from place to place.

I still miss your little car seat that we had installed for a little over a month. Now it's in storage. Maybe if we're lucky, your little brother or sister could ride in it one day. Can you put in a plug with God on that one for us. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving in heaven. We love you, sweetie.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 21--Breakfast for Dinner

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Daddy and I just finished a tasty dinner. We made scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, bacon, and buttermilk pancakes. It was a nice treat, especially since we slept in today and missed breakfast (and plan to do the same tomorrow.)

When I was pregnant with you, you always squirmed and wriggled whenever we had breakfast for dinner. I think you liked the syrup. Lol. Those extra-energetic movements made me picture you as a baby, sitting in your high chair, using your tiny hands to shove pieces of syrupy pancake into your little mouth, getting it in your hair, your ears, and all over the floor. That image made me smile. It still makes me smile, though there's a sadness behind it. Now, I can only imagine you enjoying your pancakes in heaven without us. They're probably the best pancakes ever, though. So eat up, little one. You have the angels to clean you up afterwards. ;)

I love you!

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 20--Sleeping In

Dear Jordy-Bug,

As of 3pm this afternoon, Thanksgiving break officially began. I'm thankful that for the next five days, I can sleep in with Daddy. Neither of us seem to get enough rest to keep our exhaustion at bay. We had no idea how much grieving would sap our energy, motivation, and zeal for everyday activities. So, we're going to take the opportunities that are given to us this week and get more sleep. If you want to visit us in our dreams, we certainly wouldn't complain. ;)

We love you, little one.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 19--Extended Family

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today I am thankful for all of our aunts, uncles, and cousins who have sent cards, lit candles in your honor, walked with us for you in the Share Walk for Remembrance, attended your funeral, sent flowers or memorial plaques, donated money in your name, left messages on Facebook, prayed, and/or cried with and for us. We don't see many of them very often, but they have made themselves present in our lives this year when it counted most. We are blessed to have them in our corner.

All of Mommy's and Daddy's grandmas and grandpas are up in heaven with you, sweet girl. And although we no longer have physical access to them, we are grateful for the time we had with them here on earth. We hope that you've already made many wonderful memories with all of them. Some days, the only thing that gets me through is picturing you in their arms.

I love you, Bug.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 18--"Let's Order In"

Dear Jordy-Bug,

We're going to keep this short and sweet today (just like you.) I'm thankful for nights when Daddy says, "Let's order in." I actually used to enjoy cooking, but your Daddy is so limited in what he will eat, it gets boring making the same simple things over and over again.

When I was pregnant with you, he started trying a larger variety of healthy foods like carrots, zucchini, pears, and nectarines (before, the only veggies and fruits he ate were green beans, apples, and grapes.) Daddy didn't like the new foods, but he tried everything I gave him. He wasn't attempting to be healthier for himself; he was working at being a better role model for you. It's one of the many reasons I know he would be an awesome Daddy to you, Bug.

He loves you so much.

And I love you both.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 17--Dreams

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today, Daddy and I had a very lazy Saturday. We hung out on the couch and watched a few shows from the DVR and then turned on college football. We dozed on and off most of the day. During one of those naps, I dreamed of you. In the dream, we were at home with Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa Nockerts were visiting. You could walk and talk, but you were no bigger than a one-year old. You were a little crabby, but very cuddly. I asked you if you had taken a nap while you were on a play date with a friend and her mommy. You sleepily and sadly said "no," nuzzling deeper into my chest. My heart melted.

Then I woke up. I felt love, peace, and disappointment all at the same time.

The dreams of you don't come as often as I would like, but when they do, I feel so lucky and thankful. I cherished even the first few dreams where you looked healthy, but we knew you were going to die. They devastated me, but they also allowed me to see you again. Dreaming is the only time I can hold you, smell you, cuddle you, and tell you to your face that I love you. Some day my dreams will come true and I'll hold you in heaven. I can't wait for that. Mommy loves you sweet angel.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 16--Friday "Date" Night

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Tonight we are going to the Blue Springs/DeSmet playoff football game. To most women, that doesn't sound like much of a date. But to your Mommy, it's another opportunity to be with Daddy in an atmosphere he loves, surrounded by friends and coaches he doesn't get to see very often. Besides, who doesn't love nachos and soft pretzels for dinner? So, even though it's not a "Football-Free Friday," it's a Friday night I get to spend with Daddy. I am always thankful for time with him. Since you can't be at the game with us tonight, please tell the angels to watch over the players and ask God to keep them safe, and make sure you root for Blue Springs (our friend Nolan coaches them.) I love you sweet girl.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 15--NICU Nurses

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Off and on today I debated about what I was most thankful. But then I got news about a sweet newborn girl who has been diagnosed with a disease that killed her older brother at 18 months of age. She is the daughter of Mommy's friend. She is in the same NICU that you were. She has some of the same nurses that you did; that her brother did. So, I couldn't help but think about how all of those women, in one way or another, helped us through our confusing, exhausting, and sometimes terrifying journey with you during your two weeks on earth. Even the simplest gestures, like a hug or a smile or encouraging word, were cherished at our time of greatest need. And they had plenty of them to give. From letting us bathe, diaper, and hold you whenever we wanted, to explaining every procedure and test so patiently, to allowing us to play music for you, to bringing us gifts for you, to making a scrap book for you and a sign with your sweet foot and hand prints on it, to taking photos when we weren't even paying attention, to helping us make foot and hand impression keepsakes, to making you comfortable as you struggled for breath on your last day with us, to a hundred other things...we are so thankful that they took such good care of you. Of us. We are thankful that they are with little Eliza now.

As you and Seth play in heaven, please say a prayer for his baby sister. Her mommy and daddy want her to get healthy and keep her for many, many years down here. May God hear our words and direct the nurses' and physicians' hands.

I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 14--Heartprints & Share

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today is the second Wednesday of the month. That means it's "Heartprints" night. The second Tuesday of the month is "Share" night. Both of these groups for bereaved parents have been blessings to Daddy and me. Chatting, laughing, and crying with other mommies and daddies who know what it feels like to have their precious child (and in some cases, children) ripped from their lives is both comforting and sad. We are thankful to have them to talk to, but heartbroken that we all have been forced into such an awful "club."

Happy 8-Month Birthday in Heaven, sweetie! I hope you are celebrating with all our Heartprints and Share friends' angels. We love and miss you all.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 13--Our Jobs & Stuff

Dear Jordy-Bug,

As I sit here at my computer during lunchtime, I'm thinking about how thankful I am to have a stable career with friendly colleagues, understanding administrators, and decent pay. Daddy and I both appreciate how much our jobs allow us to be comfortable economically, while giving us time together most evenings, weekends, holidays, and summers (let's pretend football season doesn't count.) We will never be rich, but we have what we need with regard to material "stuff." We would have provided you with all the love and "stuff" you needed too, like a cozy home, books and toys, plenty of food, cute clothes, and all the other things little girls need (or want.) I think you would have been happy. I think we all would have been happy.

I'd give up all the "stuff" in a heartbeat to have you back. But since that's not possible, I sit here picturing you in heaven with EVERYthing you could possibly want or need. Daddy and I could never provide you with all that you are blessed with there. You're a very lucky girl, sweet Jordyn. And we can't wait to meet you up there in that perfect place. We love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 12--Your Cousins

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I have to be honest. I've been putting off this post for a while now. Although I'm thankful to have your cousins in our lives (to make us smile, make us laugh, make us proud, and even make us a little crazy), thinking about them also makes me incredibly sad. You are supposed to dress up with them on Halloween and open presents with them on Christmas. You are supposed to band together with them to connive Grandma and Grandpa out of treats and presents. You are supposed to get into trouble with them. You are supposed to be here with them...with us.

It is especially heart-wrenching to think about Olivia. She was born a mere seven weeks after you were. The two of you were supposed to be "best buddy cousins." Instead, she'll grow up never knowing you. They will all grow up not knowing you, not playing with you, and not spending holidays, birthdays, or summer vacations with you. I pray that Brett, Alex, Emma, and Leah will remember and love you, despite only having met you for one short weekend. And I also pray that, although they never met you at all, Aidan and Olivia will learn about you and grow to cherish your memory.

I love you so much, sweetheart. So much, it hurts. I'm looking forward to the day I get to watch you and your cousins playing together in heaven...to the day I no longer hurt.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 11--Ladybugs

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I'm thankful for ladybugs because of what they've come to represent in the last eight months...you. It makes my heart happy when friends email, text, or send me a message on Facebook telling me they saw a ladybug, or in some cases, hundreds of ladybugs, because it means they were thinking of you. Three different people sent me photographs of ladybugs that they saw just today. Each one made me smile.

Yesterday, I was washing apples that we bought for Daddy's lunches, and I noticed that the sticker on the fruit had a ladybug on the logo. Daddy stuck it on the fridge. Even a silly little produce sticker means something to us now. Among other things, we have key chains, stuffed animals, embroidered patches, pins, beads, figurines, stickers, address labels, garden statues, plaques, stained glass sun catchers, drawings, cards, and bows for Jordyn Bear. We also have a ladybug pillow, blanket, coin purse, photo frame, bird house, garden flag, stepping stone, painting, Halloween costume, and of course, my cremation locket that holds some of your precious ashes. We've become ladybug collectors. Somewhat out of our own volition, and somewhat because others feel compelled to send us these things. We are blessed that they do, because again, it means they are thinking of you and loving us.

I hope when we get to heaven you are wearing your bright green ladybug outfit and your matching bow. I have a feeling we'd know you regardless of what you're wearing, but it would still be a special gift to see you in that outfit again. We love and miss you, Bug.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 10--This Blog

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today was not a bad day, not a great day either. It wouldn't be one that I would blog about to you, but I'm thankful that I could if I wanted to. So many of Mommy's friends encouraged me to do this soon after you died. At first, I didn't really see a point because I don't like to journal (writing can be a chore for me) and I didn't think that I had anything worth saying to the whole world. I still don't believe I have much to say most days. But I gave it a try.

Much like Facebook, this blog has become a blessing to me. While you were in the NICU, I turned to Facebook to communicate with friends and family and to enlist their prayers. After you died, it became a haven for me to be able to have much-needed contact with people who cared, without having to leave the house before I was ready to do so. The blog serves a similar and equally important purpose. I talk to you about the good, the bad, the overwhelming...and our friends show their support by reading, commenting, crying, and/or praying for us. It lifts my spirits to read the comments that people leave on here and to know that someone still cares.

Lots of bereaved parents we've met tell us that their support system eventually started to wane, and some said it disappeared altogether. A few said it happened within weeks, many others said months, while a couple lucky ones still have some close friends who never gave up on them and continue to talk about their children. I hope that our support system stays strong for a long, long time, because Mommy and Daddy need it to. We need to know that people still care. That they remember you. That they love us. That they won't give up on us. This life has become immensely lonely for Daddy and me, sweet one. So it is of great comfort to have our friends and family still rallying around us, loving us, giving us hugs, and holding our hands. Even if it is done virtually...on a silly little blog.

I hope you like the blog, sweetheart. Writing it makes me cry, but it's because it is filled with love for you. Love that I can't show you to your face. Just like our faraway friends and family who can't be "there for us" in person, writing it is a way for me to love you, give you a hug, and hold your precious little hand. I love you, baby girl.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 9--Football-Free Friday

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today's entry is simple. I am grateful for a Friday night that doesn't involve high school football. Once the season ends for Daddy's team, he usually goes to the other playoff games around town. After our emotional week, however, he is choosing to stay home with me tonight. Our evening will entail eating carryout, getting cozy under a warm blanket on the couch, and catching up on DVRed shows. It sounds like a perfect Friday night to me.

Almost.

We all know that it will never be perfect because there will always be someone missing. There will always be a piece of us missing. But Daddy and I are trying to get through this together. For that, I am incredibly thankful.

We love and miss you, sweet Jordyn.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 8--Black Mango Tea

Dear Jordy-Bug,

It's been an emotional week, and Mommy needs a break from writing about things that make her cry even more. So, today I'm thankful for Black Mango Iced Tea from QuikTrip (I mix 3/4 unsweetened with 1/4 sweet.) Sometimes, it's the simplest things that can get me through an hour or two. Today, it was seeing your Daddy for 20 extra minutes and the tea. It's very possible that the tea was that much better because I enjoyed it with Daddy. Regardless, I'm thankful for it.

I love you, sweet girl. And I miss you. We both do.

P.S. Give your Great Grandpa Thyes an extra squeeze and a kiss from me today. It's the anniversary of his death; he's been in heaven for 30 years now. In case you were wondering, the first part of your middle name (Tyse-Dallas) came from his last name (a.k.a. Grandma Nockerts' maiden name.)

...so much for not making myself cry.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 7--Our Kitties

Dear Jordy-Bug,

On Day 7, Daddy and I are thankful for our kitties. They love us unconditionally, they greet us when we come home, and they snuggle with us as we drift off to sleep. They are cuddly, soft, and sweet. As you can see by some of the photos where they were watching over your stuff (Landry in your stroller, Echo in your lamb seat, and Murphy/Echo guarding your swing), even they were looking forward to meeting you. Well, maybe not Lucy...she's pretty protective of her Daddy's attention. And maybe not Murphy, because he's a bit of a diva. But Echo and Landry were definitely ready for a new playmate. We still find both of them curled up in your nursery from time to time, and think you three would have been the best of friends. Milo was probably pretty neutral, as he was getting older and weaker. Now that he's joined you in heaven, though, you are both probably running around playing in your healthy bodies and having a wonderful time together. That makes Mommy's heart smile. Take good care of each other, sweetheart.

I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 6--Our Friends

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today, I want to share with you how much Mommy and Daddy are eternally grateful for our friends...from elementary school, from high school, from college, from work, from church, and those we have met because they are on a similar grief journey. We couldn't do this without their love and support. We were humbled by the hundreds of friends who showed up to pay their respects to you at your funeral and memorial service. We are thankful for those who sent (and continue to send) cards, emails, and texts just to check on us and let us know they love us. We are grateful for those who keep inviting us out to dinner and to other events even after we may have said "no" multiple times. We appreciate those who check in on Facebook to say they are thinking of us, care about us, or who post photos and quotations that remind them of us and of you. We are blessed by those who walked with us or donated to the Share Walk For Remembrance and Hope in your honor. There are a million reasons, large and small, that we love our friends. In case you forgot some of the other ways they have supported us in the last several months, please go back to the blog post from September 20th. We are truly blessed by each and every one of them.

I'm so glad you had the opportunity to meet some of the amazing people in our lives, Jordyn. Though I wish you had more time on earth to learn firsthand how wonderful they all are. I wish you had more time with all of us.

I love you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 5--Mommy's Brother & Sisters-in-Law

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Before you get too confused, Mommy's brother is only married to one of my sisters-in-law. But I have a total of three sisters-in-law and I am thankful for all of them, so hopefully that explains the post title a little better. ;)

Uncle Steve, Aunt Bonnie, Auntie Kimmy, and Auntie Ashley are blessings to Daddy and Me. Kim and Ashley visited almost every day while you were in the NICU, and Steve and Bonnie (with four kiddos in tow), drove 9 hours to see you for an entire weekend. Their love for you was apparent from first glance. Every one of them marveled at all your dark hair, your cute little lips and nose, and your chubby little legs. They "oohed" and "aahed," played with your fingers and toes, and talked to you every chance they got. They are the best aunts and uncles you could ask for, sweet Jordyn.

Although we don't see or talk to Uncle Steve and Aunt Bonnie very often, we are thankful to have them in our lives. We know they pray for us and think about you, beautiful girl. Kim and Ashley support and love us just like Daddy's parents do (see yesterday's post.) We can't thank them enough for their thoughtfulness, generosity, and love.

I'm sorry they didn't get to know you or spoil you. I'm sorry you didn't get to know them. I know you'd love them as much as we do. On the day you meet them again in heaven, be sure to wear your green bow. I think that one is their favorite.

I love you, little Bug.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4--Daddy's Parents

Dear Jordy-Bug,

You already know that I've been blessed with an amazing husband (your Daddy.) Well, I'm also thankful for Daddy's parents. Your Grandma and Grandpa Sander are the reason Daddy is here and a lot of the reason he is such an amazing man. They are supportive, loving, and generous. They've been with us every step of the way since you were born. As we have dealt with our grief, anger, confusion, guilt, and irritability, Daddy and I haven't always been the easiest people to be around in the last 7+ months. But Grandma and Grandpa Sander have been there...waiting until we're ready...to visit, to talk, or to just be. From visiting daily in the NICU, to making sure our first Mother's Day and Father's Day were special, to walking with us in the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope, to attending your brick dedication...they are always there for us, even as they struggle under the weight of their own grief for you. We appreciate that more than they know.

They were poised to spoil the daylights out of you. It breaks my heart that they will have to wait until they are reunited with you in heaven to do that. If you think heaven rocks now, wait until all your grandparents get there! Until then, beautiful girl, know that they love you and miss you. And Daddy and I love all of you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 3--Mommy's Parents

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Your Grandma and Grandpa Nockerts are loving, supportive, funny, social, caring people. When they met you for the first time, they fell in love instantly. (Who wouldn't, right?) I could tell by watching them that they had a special love for you. I think maybe it had to do with the fact that their baby girl had a baby girl.


This year has been incredibly difficult for them. When you died, they grieved deeply...for the grandchild they never got to know...for your Mommy who lost the most precious gift in her life...for your Daddy who had to carry the weight of our family's grief on his shoulders. Then Grandpa got very sick. Thankfully, he's on the mend now. This week Grandma's computer got infected. It wouldn't be a big deal, except that she lost all of the important mementos she's been collecting for you. She is completely distraught. Please watch over her and comfort her, sweetheart. It's been a year full of tears for both of them. For all of us. I am so thankful that we have each other.

I love you sweet girl, and I love them.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 2--Daddy

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today and every day, I'm thankful for your Daddy. I met him later in life when I was 36 and he was 33 (Mommy is kind of a "cougar", but I'll explain that when you're older.) Maybe the delayed meeting is because God wanted us to experience other relationships in order to appreciate each other more. I don't know, but either way, I'm incredibly grateful He put Daddy in my life. When I first met him, I learned very quickly that he is a loving, smart, kind, thoughtful, honest, protective, patient, quiet, diligent, supportive, passionate, dependable, sweet, strong, generous, courageous, respectful, responsible, humble, God-loving man. As time went on, I learned that he is not as quiet as he first appears. When he has something that is important to him, he has lots to say. He can go on and on about track and football. He talks about you often, sweet Jordyn.

As our relationship developed, I learned that he wanted to be a Daddy. This thrilled me and caused me to fall even further in love with him. We got married on January 14, 2011 and immediately set to work on creating our little family. For a variety of reasons, we both agreed that we only wanted one child; Mommy's age, our desire to "not be greedy," and the ability to focus all our love and attention on one baby went into that decision. Fast forward five and a half months to July 2, when we got a positive reading on a pregnancy test. Our dream came true...you were coming into this world to complete us!

You were born exactly 14 months after our marriage began. On March 14, 2012, you made Daddy's favorite number (14) that much more precious to him. Beginning on that day in the NICU and even more so after you died two short weeks later, Daddy reached new heights in being loving, courageous, strong, and devoted to growing as our family's spiritual leader. I never wanted to go through such a horrendous loss, but if I had to go through it, I wouldn't want any other person by my side. Along with God, Daddy has been my rock. He makes me smile when I think I'm never going to smile again. He holds me and comforts me when I think I'm never going to stop crying. He encourages me when I think I'll never do anything productive ever again. He reminds me that God loves me, even when I don't feel it. Every day, he shows me how much he loves me, and how much he loves you. He would be such an awesome Daddy to you on this earth. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. He's an amazing Daddy, who never got to fully show you the extent of his love. Some day, baby girl. Some day, we'll all be together again and you'll learn firsthand why I'm so grateful for Daddy.

I love you both.

P.S. I shouldn't update the blog for you on my lunch time. Crying at my desk at school is not cool.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 1--You

Dear Jordy-Bug,

This month contains Thanksgiving, a day that is devoted to counting our blessings and thanking God for them. Instead of just one day, though, some people choose to give thanks every day of the month (see the 30 Days of Thanks link in the side bar to learn more.) It's not only a way to let others know who and what we are thankful for, but it's a way for the "thanker" (in this case, your Mommy) to become acutely aware that there are so many, many gifts that God has given me. That, in and of itself, is a blessing. And He deserves my public gratitude for all of it.

Although the list of thirty people and things for which I am thankful is going to be in no particular order, it makes sense that I begin with you, my sweet Jordyn. Nothing and no one has impacted my life like you have. I carried you in my womb for nine months, dreamt of you for even longer, and devoted myself to you for the two precious weeks you lived with Daddy and me in the NICU. I've thought of you every minute of the day since you died. My life revolves around loving you and keeping your memory alive. You have taught me so much about love, grace, patience, and what truly matters in life. I will never be the same as I was before I met you, because you have made me a better person. And for that, little one, I will be forever thankful. I can't wait to get to heaven to thank you in person. But until then, know that Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you tremendously, and we thank God every day that He gave you to us...even for a little while.

Love,