Birthday Eve #2...Without You

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I thought your birthday this year would be a little easier. I expected fewer tears and more smiles as we celebrate your entry into our world. I guess because that entry was fraught with uncertainty, anxiety, downright fear, and an incredibly unhappy ending, I don't enjoy your birthday as much as a "regular mom" would. I do, however, enjoy it more than the anniversary of your death. Selfishly, I look back and wish we had kept you on life support a little longer so that not only could we soak you in a bit more, but so that your death would have occurred in April. Because right now, March is an emotional roller coaster that is just too much for me.

I thought your baby sister would make this time a little easier to navigate. Joslyn brings us such joy and has given me great comfort when I'm missing you, yet the moments we share are also so bittersweet at times like these. Now that she's with us, I am acutely aware of what I have been missing without you here. Every new thing she learns, every sweet smile, every precious giggle--oh, that giggle (it's by far, the best sound in the whole world), every time she reaches for me with that groggy look in her big blue eyes, every "conversation" we have, every cherished snuggle session...is tinged with some sadness because you're not here to experience those things too. I don't know what I'd do without her, yet I don't know how I'm living without you...

I thought scaling back and having a quiet birthday celebration for you would be the right thing for us this year, but I regret not planning something because it helped me focus my sadness into something productive last year. Now I have plenty of time to process my emotions (I know, I know, that's healthy) and the tears have been flowing mightily.

I thought, I thought, I thought.

I think too much.

So, I'll try not to think anymore tonight, and tomorrow we'll read your card to you, sing "Happy Birthday," blow out the candles on your birthday cake, and release some bright green balloons to honor you on your special day. Enjoy your celebration in heaven with Jesus, Grandpa Nockerts, and all the other children gone too soon (especially a sweet little girl named Adalyn Rose, who is having her first birthday up there with you.) Be sure to close your eyes, make a wish, and then catch those balloons, baby girl!

We love our little toddler!

Love,

You're Still a Big Deal

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I can't believe you're going to be two years old on Friday (Pi Day.) Two! Every day I wonder what you'd be doing, how your personality would have developed, what you would love, what you would dislike, if your hair would still be crazy-funky, and on and on. I just wish I could see you, hold you, talk with you...(tears).

Last year on your birthday, we had a big party with lots of guests, balloons, food, beverages, and a special cake. This year we're not doing that. This year, I just need to be with your Daddy and your Sissy and remember you with a little less fanfare. We'll still have a really cool cake and bright green balloons, so get ready to catch them. But it'll just be our little family honoring you privately. I think that's okay. It needs to be okay. I'm afraid, though, if we have a quiet day, people might think that you're not a big deal any more. Let's face it, you're a HUGE deal. You always will be to Daddy and me...and someday to your little sister, Joslyn. I just wanted you to know that.

Ladybug posing with Joslyn.

I love you, Bug.

P.S. Thank you for sending a ladybug to visit us during the Sander family photo session on Saturday. I couldn't believe it when Daddy looked up and saw one perched on the ceiling just above where we were assembling to take a photo. Until this point, I hadn't seen one since before you were born. This one never moved the entire time we were there. It was pretty cool.


Love,