"You're in my prayers"

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Hi baby girl. Today, I feel compelled to tell you about Mommy and Daddy's friends, because they are awesome. From the day you were born, they have been loving us and you, supporting us in our grief, and cheering us on. I'll admit, those first several months I didn't want to be cheered on. Some days, still, I don't want to be cheered on. But they keep trying.

Starting when we were in the hospital, and continuing well into April, several people cleaned our house or fed us. We had carry out, homemade dishes, restaurant gift cards, and many invitations to dine with friends. Someone made cookies for the wonderful nurses who took such good care of you in the NICU. Another even showed up unannounced on our doorstep after we returned home...with ice cream! We are still using the gift cards and feel blessed every time we do.

During that first month, gifts came from near and far. We received ladybug decorations and yard ornaments, personalized jewelry, vases, plaques, flowers, wind chimes, cash gifts, an engraved glass clock, prayer shawls, mother/father/baby figurines, a personalized "day Jordyn was born" poster, photo albums, and framed photos. Artistic friends created a hand-sculpted teddy bear angel with your name spelled out in blocks, a ladybug key chain, and a pencil drawing of your gorgeous face. Many others selflessly donated to the Mercy NICU, resulting in your name being etched on the Tribute Wall there. One thoughtful friend brought over a comfy rocker-glider so that I can sit in your nursery and read, remember you, or just cry. A couple friends paid to have all of Daddy's coaching shirts and some of my shoulder bags embroidered with a green (organ donor) ribbon and ladybug. A friend from church graciously did our taxes while we were too distraught to even think about the task. A former student of mine dedicated a musical arrangement to you. Another former student had a ladybug and "Mark 10:14" added to her tattoo in your honor. Someone even told the Green Bay Packers about you and they sent us a lovely condolence letter. Such thoughtful gifts continue to trickle in when we least expect them.

May and June were emotionally difficult because of Mother's Day and Father's Day, but we received special cards from various people, along with flowers and gift cards from Rooftop and other friends, and birthstone jewelry, personalized framed photos, and ladybug-inspired gifts from our family. Our friends also came through to help us win the "Mommy and Me" Mother's Day photo contest. Your beautiful photo received over 1,700 votes! In addition, they donated over $450 to Molly Bears and $50 to Lil Angel Hankies in order for us to get our "Jordyn Bear" and personalized Jordyn hanky a year early.

For several months now, many people have been praying for Daddy and me at 3:14pm. Because of this, we know that we (and you) are thought of at least once a day. It means the world to us to know that you are alive in other people's hearts and that our friends care enough about us to pray for healing for our broken hearts.

A couple weeks ago, a friend at church said, "You look really good. I know you're struggling on the inside, but you really look good." I feel like I look awful. My hair is graying (and still falling out), my eyes are bloodshot (the left one still hasn't healed completely from the corneal abrasion at the end of June), my under eye area is dark and swollen, although I lost a nice chunk of weight from March to May, I'm still well over where I should be, and I continue to limp when I get up after sitting because my hips are out of whack from carrying your sweet little self around. Still, her remark struck me. Whether she meant it or not, it was a gift that I needed to hear because I feel like I aged 10 years in the last 6 months.

Last week, as I was entering statistics into the computer at Daddy's football game, I hit a rough spot. An infant girl, just a bit younger than you would be, was sitting 15 feet in front of the press box...she was crying...and wearing a lady bug hat. I lost it in the middle of the second quarter and didn't regain my composure until the end of halftime. A friend and colleague of Daddy's noticed and came into the press box, where she hugged me for a long, long time. When Monday rolled around, another friend emailed to check on me. She said that she thought the little girl was a way for you to get my attention and make sure I was thinking of you. Wow. It did NOT occur to me to think of it like that. All I could think at the time was, "Why do they get to keep their baby girl and we didn't get to keep ours?" She helped me alter my perspective with just a few kind, caring words. We love her for that.

As of yesterday, 30 friends and family members have signed up to walk in your honor at the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope. Sixteen more sent donations. Together, they have raised $1,473.00 for Share! I've made sure to thank them all publicly on Facebook, because this is a very big deal to Daddy and me. [Update: as of 10/30/12, 69 registered walkers, 19 donors, $2,589.00 raised!]

This morning when I went to the mailbox, I was greeted with a sweet gift from a friend at work. She told me back in July that she wanted to pray for me every day at 3:14, but just kept missing the window. Instead, she decided to do a daily bible reading from chapter 3, verse 14 of every book of the bible (in those books that contain fewer chapters or verses, she chose the last verse.) Every day, she read 3:14, wrote it down, and then said/wrote a prayer for Daddy and me. When she made it through Revelation, she thought it would be a blessing to us if she gave us the journal. Oh, what a blessing, indeed! I read the journal cover to cover today. She interspersed some of the Facebook, blog, and personal conversations we had into the prayers, so I can actually remember what (exactly) she prayed about that day. Not only is this a totally cool idea, it is an incredibly meaningful one. So many people have ended their conversations with me by saying, "You're in my prayers," but I always wonder if they are really going to pray for me? With her, I don't need to wonder. Her prayers are in the journal and they're ours to keep forever and ever.

On a daily basis, our friends come through for us. They get me out of the house when I can't stand to be around myself any more. They check on me several times per week. A few never let a church service go by without asking how our week has been. We get emails when friends reflect on Scripture and feel compelled to pray for us. We have so many Facebook supporters, I can't even name them all here. Several people continue to send us pictures of ladybugs that have visited them and made them think of you. We still get cards out of the blue from people reminding us that we are loved and thought of...I could go on and on about how wonderful everyone has been. I know I've left out so many generous gestures, and I apologize for that. I hope people don't hold any omissions against me, because in my grief fog, my brain doesn't function quite like it used to. Now that I think about it, I know they will be gracious, because everyone has been so patient and forgiving regarding my inability to focus, my crying spells, and my general lack of "me"-ness. We are blessed beyond measure to call them our friends. I wish you could have met more of them, little Bug. You would have liked them. And I know they would absolutely adore you.

I love you, sweetheart!

Love,