Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I Am Not Okay

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Every day people ask "How are you?" I usually say, "I'm OK, how are you?" Every day I lie to people. The truth is...I cry every day; Jordyn Bear is matted with tears. I don't sleep; or I sleep too much. Food is tasteless. My motivation is gone. Our house isn't clean and I don't care. I cook only so Daddy doesn't starve. I don't want to go to work. I can barely get out of bed most mornings. I'm exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically. I don't have the energy to cope with others, much less serve them or even love them as they deserve to be loved. I'm uncomfortable trying to be social with friends or family. Seeing baby girls, especially those with dark hair or those wearing bows, sends me into a tizzy. Encountering pregnant women, or learning someone is pregnant, makes me irrationally grumpy. Church is joyless. Everything is joyless. I see a counselor every other week and attend a support group with Daddy once a month; I'm still ridiculously sad and angry. I'm a 40 year old woman who sleeps with a 7 lb, 6 oz teddy bear, writes a blog to you, and sends balloons up to heaven because I can't hold you or tell you I love you in person. I am not okay.

I want to see you grow up. I want to kiss you, hug you, and tickle you. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you giggle. I want to take a million more photos of you. I want to watch you dance with Daddy and dress up like a cheerleader while he watches football. We can't do any of those things. And it's killing me.

This morning, I was wide awake at 2:30am thinking of you. By 5am, I couldn't fight back the tears any longer. Daddy held me and told me he loves me. He asked if I was going to be OK today. I told him I was going to "be." That was enough for him because he knows...I am not okay.

I love you, sweet girl. I miss you like crazy. I want to be okay again, but I don't know how. Realistically, I don't think that will happen until I see you again. Until then, smile at the goodness all around you in heaven, giggle until it hurts, practice your dancing so you're ready when Daddy gets there, and please grow up slowly. We don't want to miss everything.

Love,
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23 comments:

  1. KschrageOctober 2, 2012 at 7:04 AM

    <3

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  2. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 7:16 AM

    Beautifully written♥. Thinking of you on this Tuesday morning. If anything to help you get through the day, just think of all of the many young lives you have touched. I know you did mine in multiple ways!
    -Brittney (VanWinkle) Ludwig

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KellyOctober 2, 2012 at 8:16 PM

      Thank you, sweetie. That means a lot to me.

      Delete
  3. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 7:17 AM

    Praying for healing Kelly! Hugs and love from Virginia!
    -Kirstine E Bering

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  4. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 8:15 AM

    I have no words, just tears at this moment. Love to the both of you.
    -Erin Olson

    ReplyDelete
  5. UnknownOctober 2, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    Kelly,
    Every post is simply beautiful. I know if Jordyn is not reading these herself, Jesus is helping her. I am constantly praying and thinking of your family. Know that you and Dennis are LOVED much!
    -Cindy Robinson

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KellyOctober 2, 2012 at 8:17 PM

      Picturing Jesus reading to Jordyn makes my heart smile. :)

      Delete
  6. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 10:22 AM

    I want to reassure you that I in no way think you are irrationally anything. You have a rational concrete reason for your grumpinesss, your tears, your lack of motivation, sleepiness, and every other experience you have and feeling you feel. You are NOT irrational. You are grieving, and you are allowed to do so for however long it happens.
    -Janelle

    ReplyDelete
  7. TobiOctober 2, 2012 at 10:26 AM

    I love you, Kelly. I think of you, Dennis, and Miss Jordyn every day. Your words are beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KellyOctober 2, 2012 at 8:17 PM

      Love you too, Tobi. Thinking of your sweet mama as well...

      Delete
  8. dstokesOctober 2, 2012 at 1:15 PM

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousOctober 2, 2012 at 8:38 PM

    I am at a loss for words, but certainly have a lot of tears when I read your beautiful blogs. I hope and pray some day soon you will find some peace of mind and be able to live a somewhat normal life again. You and Dennis deserve so much better than what has happened to you both. Continuing with my prayers and asking Jordy to watch over her Mommy asnd Daddy and console them. Love Mom

    ReplyDelete
  10. KellyOctober 4, 2012 at 9:40 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousOctober 30, 2012 at 9:45 PM

    It's amazing how quickly these posts bring me to tears. For you. For Dennis. For Jordyn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KellyOctober 30, 2012 at 9:57 PM

      That's because you have a big heart, Britt. :*

      Delete
    2. AnonymousOctober 31, 2012 at 4:15 PM

      I didn't think my heart was that big until I met a sweet little girl by the name of Jordyn Tyse-Dallas Sander. She has had such an impact on me and how I wish to go about my life. In addition to you & Dennis. Always praying, xo.

      Delete
    3. KellyOctober 31, 2012 at 6:20 PM

      It's always been that way. Maybe Jordyn just made you more aware of it. ;)

      Delete

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On March 14, 2012, I gave birth to Jordyn, the most beautiful baby girl ever. During delivery, however, she was deprived of oxygen. We lived with her in the NICU for two weeks, loving her, holding her, reading to her, singing to her, bathing her, changing her diapers, styling her full head of dark brown hair, praying over her, and sharing her with friends and family, until she went home to Jesus on March 28, 2012. These are my love letters to Jordyn Tyse-Dallas "TD" Sander; our little Jordy-Bug.