The Children of 2012

Dear Jordy-Bug,

It's that time of year again; mid winter. It marks the beginning of the last several weeks that you spent in my belly before the fateful day of your birth in March, 2012. It also marks the beginning of several other 2012 births. These children are growing up with us here on earth, showing me how tall you might be, how well you might communicate, and what other talents you might have developed by now. To be totally honest, it's often very difficult for me to look at those 4-year-olds and soon-to-be 4-year-olds, especially the girls. It's painful to be reminded of what we are missing with you.

Two weeks ago in church, two of those little girls frolicked in the aisles. One proudly wore her princess "4" shirt, because it was her birthday. At first I smiled at their fun-loving exchange. Then it hit me that you should be in the thick of their merriment. That you would be four in a matter of weeks. But you weren't. You aren't. You never will be. I looked away and tried not to cry.

Two days ago, one of those same little girls stood with Joslyn during the worship songs. She put her arm around her in a sweet, comforting way that made me smile...until it occurred to me that that's her big sister's job. Joss won't ever feel your protective arms around her like that. Not physically anyway. I teared up again.

Yesterday, a little boy who isn't usually with Joslyn at the sitter's house came for a visit. She followed him around like a puppy dog, copying everything he did, and showing off for him. It didn't take me but half a second to focus my attention on what she is missing by not having you around to serve in that role. I choked back tears yet again.

I used to grieve for me and for Daddy. Now I have two other earthly blessings for whom I weep as well. I weep because Joss and Tyse never laid eyes on your perfect little self. I weep because they never hugged or kissed you. I weep because they'll grow up knowing they have a sister in heaven, but never fully realizing what that means in terms of the bond that could have been.

You are the one they should play with. You are the one they should look up to. You are the one who should give reassuring hugs. You are the one they should be learning from and copying. You are their big sister. They'll never know you like they know each other, or even like they'll know the other kiddos who come in and out of their lives at church, at the sitter's house, at school, at relatives' houses, or even at the grocery store. That crushes me. Sometimes swallowing me whole.

I have to remember to be grateful for these other little humans in our babies' lives. They are doing things for them that only children can do, by interacting with them on a level that no adult can replicate. Their genuine love and innocence is priceless. I just wish you were one of the "Children of 2012" with whom Joslyn and Tysen could share their time, love, and innocence as well.

I love and miss you more and more every day, baby girl. Your sister and brother may not realize it yet, but they do too.

Love,