My Right to Bare Arms

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I hate heat. I hate to sweat. St. Louis is a hot, humid city in the summer. Today it was in the upper 80s. Yuck. Despite the uncomfortable climate, I haven't worn a sleeveless shirt in public since my mid-twenties, when I got down to my high school weight. (I should note that in high school I thought I was HUGE...and compared to my size 2 friends, my size 12 frame was, indeed, seemingly immense.) Every summer since then, I've thrown on my t-shirt and shorts and hunkered down in the air conditioned house. When I had to be somewhere public, I didn't dare show more skin than was absolutely necessary.

Enter your sweet little sister and brother. When I asked Joss what she wanted to do today, she said, "ammals!" She wanted to go see some animals. Animals are outside. In the heat. Oy. I had two choices: play it emotionally safe and cover up my bulk with a frumpy t-shirt but be miserable when the sweat started to flow, or suck it up, bear my flabby arms, and feel more physically comfortable. Decisions, decisions.

Today I'm 50 pounds heavier than I was in high school, and I went to the park with Daddy, Joslyn, and Tysen in a tank top. I. Wore. A. Tank. Top. In. Public.

This is huge! (No pun intended.)

Of course, there was quite a bit of internal dialogue that led up to this decision. What would I be saying to Joslyn and Tysen if I didn't want to participate or I was crabby when engaging with them because I dislike my appearance? How do I set aside my insecurities and model self-confidence so I can contribute to raising a strong, healthy daughter, and a son who respects a woman for who she is instead of basing that decision on the size of her jeans? I want to enjoy your siblings to the fullest, not just watch from the sidelines as they laugh, run, and play with Daddy. I want to expose them to different experiences, not limit them to activities we can do in the 70° house away from judging eyes. So, that means I need to get outside and look at the "ammals" with them in good spirits...and a comfortable outfit.

Make no mistake. You also had a large role in my decision. I'm missing every single thing with you. Everything. I can't miss out with them, too. So I want to thank you, Bug, for my new found bravery. Because of you, I'm going to stop focusing on what I look like to me and start working on what I look like to Joss and Tyse.

Tank top? Check.

"Ooooooooh," look at the birds!

Swimsuit? Well, I'll work on that one. ;)

You make me a better person every day. I love you, sweetie!