What I've Lost...and Gained

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Recently, a friend posted on Facebook about a substantial weight loss of which she is very proud (and she should be), and it immediately triggered memories of the times my chunky self has worked to lose weight. It didn't take long before I thought of how fast I lost "the baby weight" (plus 20 more pounds) after you died. This time, though, I didn't do it on purpose and it wasn't done in a healthy manner. Putting food in my mouth for the first three months after you left made me physically ill. So, those 70 pounds melted off by May. Yes, you did the math correctly (we'll say you got your number sense from Daddy, even though Mommy is no math slouch either.) I gained fifty pounds with you! It had a lot to do with the fact that my hips, back, and sciatic areas were so bad that I didn't get off the couch for half of the pregnancy. The Double Stuff Oreos probably didn't help either.

Of course, this conversation in my head then triggered another one...what else have I lost since you went to be with Jesus? First and foremost, I've lost you. I've lost the dreams I had for you. I've lost my future with you. I've lost my membership to the "mom club" where special people go on play dates and talk about raising their children to love God and be good people. But besides the obvious, I've also lost other things. I've lost my capacity to start or finish a sentence without tears being right behind every word. I've lost my joy in seeing other moms with babies or pregnant women. I've lost my ability to smile and mean it. I've lost my patience when dealing with people who complain about petty problems. I've lost the ability to have a stream of conscious thought that doesn't revolve back to you. I've lost the filter that keeps me from saying things I probably shouldn't share with others. I've lost my motivation to work or clean the house. I've lost a bunch of hair. I've lost my desire to socialize. I've lost my false sense of security. And I've lost my confidence that Daddy and I were meant to have a baby to raise.

I've lost a lot. But I also realize that I've gained much from you (and I'm not just referring to the crazy amount of weight I put on during our 9 months of growing together.) I've gained a greater appreciation for the miracle of birth/life. I've gained a more intense concern for the safety and health of Daddy, and of others who I love. I've gained a deeper desire to keep and nurture my faith in God, in order to gain His great inheritance in heaven and to see you again someday. I've gained an acute need to pray more, to get closer to the One who cares for you and holds you on His lap. I've gained a keen awareness that Daddy and I have some pretty amazing friends and a loving, supportive family. I've gained the insight that will keep me from taking those same people for granted. I've gained perspective on what really matters in this world. And I've gained the knowledge that Daddy and I made a gorgeous, healthy baby girl who we will love forever.

Today, as we struggle with our emotions on your 5-Month Angelversary in heaven, I want you to know that losing you was and is excruciating, but the lessons we've gained from you are priceless. Thank you, honey. We love you more every day.

Love,