Birthday Eve #2...Without You

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I thought your birthday this year would be a little easier. I expected fewer tears and more smiles as we celebrate your entry into our world. I guess because that entry was fraught with uncertainty, anxiety, downright fear, and an incredibly unhappy ending, I don't enjoy your birthday as much as a "regular mom" would. I do, however, enjoy it more than the anniversary of your death. Selfishly, I look back and wish we had kept you on life support a little longer so that not only could we soak you in a bit more, but so that your death would have occurred in April. Because right now, March is an emotional roller coaster that is just too much for me.

I thought your baby sister would make this time a little easier to navigate. Joslyn brings us such joy and has given me great comfort when I'm missing you, yet the moments we share are also so bittersweet at times like these. Now that she's with us, I am acutely aware of what I have been missing without you here. Every new thing she learns, every sweet smile, every precious giggle--oh, that giggle (it's by far, the best sound in the whole world), every time she reaches for me with that groggy look in her big blue eyes, every "conversation" we have, every cherished snuggle session...is tinged with some sadness because you're not here to experience those things too. I don't know what I'd do without her, yet I don't know how I'm living without you...

I thought scaling back and having a quiet birthday celebration for you would be the right thing for us this year, but I regret not planning something because it helped me focus my sadness into something productive last year. Now I have plenty of time to process my emotions (I know, I know, that's healthy) and the tears have been flowing mightily.

I thought, I thought, I thought.

I think too much.

So, I'll try not to think anymore tonight, and tomorrow we'll read your card to you, sing "Happy Birthday," blow out the candles on your birthday cake, and release some bright green balloons to honor you on your special day. Enjoy your celebration in heaven with Jesus, Grandpa Nockerts, and all the other children gone too soon (especially a sweet little girl named Adalyn Rose, who is having her first birthday up there with you.) Be sure to close your eyes, make a wish, and then catch those balloons, baby girl!

We love our little toddler!

Love,

You're Still a Big Deal

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I can't believe you're going to be two years old on Friday (Pi Day.) Two! Every day I wonder what you'd be doing, how your personality would have developed, what you would love, what you would dislike, if your hair would still be crazy-funky, and on and on. I just wish I could see you, hold you, talk with you...(tears).

Last year on your birthday, we had a big party with lots of guests, balloons, food, beverages, and a special cake. This year we're not doing that. This year, I just need to be with your Daddy and your Sissy and remember you with a little less fanfare. We'll still have a really cool cake and bright green balloons, so get ready to catch them. But it'll just be our little family honoring you privately. I think that's okay. It needs to be okay. I'm afraid, though, if we have a quiet day, people might think that you're not a big deal any more. Let's face it, you're a HUGE deal. You always will be to Daddy and me...and someday to your little sister, Joslyn. I just wanted you to know that.

Ladybug posing with Joslyn.

I love you, Bug.

P.S. Thank you for sending a ladybug to visit us during the Sander family photo session on Saturday. I couldn't believe it when Daddy looked up and saw one perched on the ceiling just above where we were assembling to take a photo. Until this point, I hadn't seen one since before you were born. This one never moved the entire time we were there. It was pretty cool.


Love,

My Mini-Me

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I love watching your little sister do just about anything...play with her toes, suck on her finger, explore her toys and books, grab at the kitties, bounce in her Jumparoo, sing herself to sleep, or even just stare at Daddy with her big blue eyes. Lots of people say, "I can't wait until my baby [crawls, walks, talks, etc.], but I am content to enjoy Joslyn right now, right where she is developmentally. It sounds cliché, but I cherish every moment that I get to watch her become who she is going to be...and I regret the time I don't get to spend with her.

This thought process, of course, always brings me back to you. I look at your photos while I'm holding her, acutely aware that the images will never change. You'll never age. Ever. I wonder what you'd be doing if you were still here with us and what your 6-month, 1-year, and soon-to-be 2-year photos would look like. As Joss grows and develops, it makes me increasingly sad that we don't get to see you do the same. I hope and I pray that when (if?) I get to heaven, God lets me play back your life (even if it's on fastforward) so that I can watch you grow up too.

It's pretty evident that your sister is a mini-Daddy, and I'm becoming more and more convinced that you are my mini-Me. I'd like the chance to see how that all plays out.

I love you with all my heart, Bug.

Love,

Random Acts of Kindness to Honor Our Bug

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I don't blog much any more. I could use the excuse that your sister has me pretty consumed and that I'm back to work now, so time is at a premium. But that's not it. I haven't written because I'm not so sure anyone wants to hear what I have to say about you any more. Back when we first started going to bereaved parents' groups we were warned that although there is no time limit on our grief, there is a time limit on how long other people will show support and put up with our sadness. So, I've been keeping my thoughts, feelings, and tears to myself. I guess it's because I don't want to be told "You have a new baby to make you happy now" or "Jordyn will always be with you, but you need to focus on Joslyn." People are well-meaning, but as much as Joslyn brings us joy, not having you here will always bring us sadness. One does not negate the other.

So, why am I writing today? I'm feeling guilty. Not just because I haven't written, but also because I haven't gone all out to honor you publicly this year like I did last year. Why? Because it's an arduous process trying to get people to do things. Hounding them to sign up for the Share Walk, or light a candle, or donate to a charity in your name...it's absolutely emotionally exhausting. So when we received an email from Share suggesting that we "Share the Kindness" by doing Random Acts of Kindness in your name this holiday season, I got excited to advertise this to friends and family and ask that they go out and perform RAK to honor you. Then the full weight of the task came to bear on my soul. People are busy, people are preoccupied, people might...not...care...anymore. I couldn't put myself out there to be disappointed, especially during this emotional time of year. So, I printed off several of the notes and started completing RAK for you all by myself. I didn't tell anyone (until now) because it was just for you and for me. Now that I've been doing this for a week, I know how satisfying it feels to put smiles on strangers' faces, while introducing you to people who may never have known about you. So, now I'm going to share it with your biggest admirers too.

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Family and friends,

If you are so inclined, print this out and leave it for an unsuspecting stranger when you buy their morning coffee or drive-though lunch, leave change in a vending machine or meter, drop off flowers to residents of a nursing home, leave a toy at a homeless shelter or hospital, bake cookies for a neighbor or bring their trash can in from the curb, leave some chocolate for a stressed coworker, or whatever else you think of that would spread some joy this holiday season.

It's the only thing we're asking for this Christmas...for our first born to be remembered.

Love,
Dennis, Kelly, Jordyn, & Joslyn

P.S. Please call, text, email, or Facebook message us to share what you did. We'd love to know!

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I hope the Random Acts of Kindness make you proud, Bug. And remember, while you enjoy Jesus's birthday cake in heaven, we will be missing you here on earth. Merry Christmas, sweet girl. I love you.

Love,

A Hug and a Kiss for Grandpa Nockerts

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I got off to a really slow start today. Pregnancy insomnia kept me from sleeping well last night, so I dozed in the recliner well into late morning. Even after fully waking, I was pretty "blah." Apparently, it just wasn't my day. Daddy came home from football a little after noon and noticed my "offness" as well. I assured him I was fine, just tired. So, he had lunch and was off to track practice by 1:20pm. I decided I should probably get it together and have some breakfast/lunch. As I sat at the dining room table, nibbling on a grilled chicken wrap, updating the grocery list, and chatting with a friend on Facebook Messenger, I heard the motor of the garage door roar to life. It was only 1:40pm. Maybe Daddy forgot something? When he walked in the door, I asked him if everything was okay. He didn't look like everything was okay. He said something like, "Honey, try not to get too upset..." My mind started racing. What could I possibly get upset about? He's been gone 20 minutes. Did he wreck the truck? He's obviously not injured, so who cares about a vehicle? What else could be wrong? He came close, hugged me, and said "Your mom called me." Brain spinning. What? Why would she call him? "Your dad had a massive heart attack and died just after noon today." What? No. His health was so much better these last couple months. He's supposed to meet your baby sister Joslyn in a mere two weeks. He just celebrated his 50th wedding anniversary with Grandma. He offered to lay a new floor in Daddy's other house when he came to visit in August. No. He was feeling so good. No.

Yes. He's gone.

In Loving Memory of 

Robert "Bob" Nockerts

February 10, 1937 - July 18, 2013

I burst into tears. Your Daddy held me. Immediately I began praying that he is now in heaven holding you tightly, making you giggle, and looking into your big blue eyes (he wanted so badly for you to open your eyes when he met you in March 2012.) But I can't be sure. Was he a believer? I think so, but he wasn't a man of too many words, so I honestly don't know for sure. I guess you would know, Bug. I wish I did...for both of your sakes.

Grandma Nockerts is all alone in South Texas and, because I'm 37 weeks pregnant with your Sissy, I can neither fly down to her nor drive the 17 hours to be with her. I can't even speak without crying, so calling her has been impossible. Every time I start to dial the number, the tears well up again. Daddy said she's worried about Joslyn and me because of the stress we are now likely feeling. She's a true Momma Bear, thinking about her kids before herself. Yet, I am worrying about her. I guess I get that from her.

I was finally able to call...the first thing she said was, "Are you okay?" Silly lady. I love her.

Daddy told me that Grandpa is going to be cremated and didn't want a funeral service. I'm never going to see him again in this life. I'm never going to talk Packers or Badgers football with him again or drink a Miller with him. I can't call him when I need help with a household project or advice on a major purchase. He's not going to be able to hold your sister (for what I hope is a VERY, VERY long time.) He'll never play cards or cribbage with Grandma, or have their daily red wine "heart medicine" at lunch any more. I talked to him last week. I told him I loved him. He did the same. I'm thankful that's the last thing we said to each other. But I'm so, so sad that it's the last time I'll talk to him on earth.

I hope you are getting to know your Grandpa well. He can be a little grumpy, but hopefully you'll learn to love that. He has a huge soft spot for little girls. I was his baby girl. His granddaughters have always meant a lot to him. You mean a lot to him. Go ahead and wrap him around your finger. He won't admit it, but he loves it!

Since you have been in heaven a while, you probably know your way around pretty well. Help him out. Take him to see Great Grandma Nockerts and show him where they keep the beer. He'll like that. Also, If you have any connections up there, we'd appreciate some help down here getting through this with some grace. Peace that passes all understanding would be a major blessing as well.

Give Grandpa a giant hug and a big, wet kiss for me. I love you both, Bug.

Love,

Miracle #2 and the Fallout

 Dear Jordy-Bug,

I'm not sure if it's because we just passed the 28th of the month and my emotions are raw...or because I've contracted strep throat and my already tested patience is wearing even more thin, but I need to get a few things off my chest that have been bothering me for a while now. You're the best listener out there, Jordyn, so thanks in advance for letting me vent.

The incident.
A couple weeks ago I went in to a local retail store to find an accessory for my Angel Ball* dress. The friendly saleswoman bounced over to me and squealed with delight when she realized that I was "in a family way." She peppered me with the usual questions, "How far along are you?," "Is it a boy or a girl?," "Do you have a name picked out?," and then the kicker..."Is this your first child?" [For anyone who has had to say hello and good-bye to their baby, this elicits an anxiety that cannot be described. Many women choose their answer depending on who is asking. If it's someone she will likely never see again, she may say "Yes" and hope the conversation moves on. If it's someone who will reappear in her life or someone with whom she thinks she may become friends, she will likely say "No, this is my second/third/etc. child." If more questions persist, she can then decide how much of her story to share.] I have never felt comfortable telling anyone that your sister is my first child. Because that is a complete and awful lie. YOU are my first child, little Bug. I won't dishonor you by telling anyone otherwise. Although I try to be considerate of other people's feelings, I don't care if it makes the questioner uncomfortable when s/he persists in their questions and I explain about our family to them. But what happened at the store made me take pause. When she asked if this was my first child, I responded, "No, this is our second little girl." Her response was "Oh." Looking dejected (I swear that her shoulders actually slumped), she quietly muttered "Let me know if you need any help with anything else" and she shuffled off.

What the...WHAT? Is a second child so mundane for the world that your sister's impending arrival is not worthy of as much excitement and attention as yours was? I already have trepidation about raising a child who may feel like she has to compete with a perfect sister. You never cried, never talked back, never dated anyone Daddy and I disapproved of, never gave less than your best effort, never failed a class, never stayed out past your curfew, never got caught smoking or drinking, or...anything else. You are perfect. So, for the salesperson to marginalize my second daughter like that really added fuel to the fire. I didn't say anything then because it all didn't sink in completely until after I'd left the store, but next time I will be ready.

Now would be an appropriate time for Mommy to apologize to any friends out there toward whom I may have acted similarly. I'm sorry if I ever showed less than extreme joy upon hearing the news of your expected 2nd, 3rd, or even 10th child. ALL babies are miraculous gifts from God and should be treated as such. (Jordyn, you taught me that.)

 

Here we are all dressed up for the Angel Ball. 

For the record, I didn't end up spending any money 

in that store for accessories. Your ladybug cremation 

locket around my neck was all I needed.

The shower.
Several friends have asked me in the last couple of months if we want a shower this time around for your baby sister. Initially, my response was no because I don't want to be the center of attention at all, I'm not girly enough to appreciate the usual cake and punch awkwardness that is a traditional baby shower, and it's been ingrained in me that it is proper to have a shower only for the first-born. After much contemplation though, I came to understand the importance of celebrating second (and all) children, so I adjusted my stance on the shower. A baby shower isn't about the Mommy or the Daddy. It's about reveling in the miracle that God has created. I fret about offending family and friends who might see a second shower as greedy overkill. But we didn't decide to give the go-ahead for the party so we can get gifts or attention. In fact, we'd rather not have the spectacle of stopping the shenanigans so others have to offer the obligatory "oohs" and "aahs" as they watch us open diapers and booger wipes. That may sound snarky, but it's the truth. And as I said before, this isn't about us. We are rejoicing over your new sister. We don't want her to open her baby book and see blank pages where the photos and other memorabilia from the shower should be. What would we say to her? "Oh, you were second, so we didn't celebrate you?" That's absurd and we can't do that to her. We are blessed to have good friends who want to celebrate your Sissy and are honoring our wishes for a low-key co-ed BBQ. I heard there may be a few ladybugs dotting the landscape too...because we can't celebrate the life of our Rainbow Baby without celebrating you, too, sweet girl.

 Meaning of Rainbow Baby.

Thanks again for letting me vent, Jordy-Bug. Hopefully I didn't offend too many people along the way.

*Due to the overwhelming support of our family and friends, we raised over $2,000 for SHARE in 2012 and were invited to be their guests as Ambassadors at the $100 per plate fundraising ball. 

 All my love,

Jordyn's Exciting News

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Hello sweet girl. I know you've been waiting patiently to share this with our friends, so I'll let you take it from here.

 ***********************************************************
Hi everyone!

This is Jordyn. My Mommy said I get to be the one to tell you our family's good news...

 

I'm getting a baby sister! I know you are all awesome prayer warriors and that you said lots and lots of prayers for me and for my Mommy and my Daddy. Now, can you please pray for my little sister too? Pray that she and Mommy stay healthy and, just as importantly, that her delivery is safe and uneventful. I'm watching over her, Mommy, and Daddy from up here in heaven, but I'd appreciate it if you'd do the same there on earth. They still need your love and support. Maybe now more than ever. Thank you all!

Love,
Jordyn

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You did great, Bug. We love you so much...you're going to make a wonderful big sister!

Love,

Happy 1st Birthday to You!

Dear Jordy-Bug,

I sure hope you felt loved and honored on 3/14 and at your birthday party this past weekend. Did you catch all the bright green balloons that friends and family members sent up to you? Hopefully someone read all the sweet notes to you too. Daddy and I felt very loved surrounded by awesome people, and by those who couldn't attend but sent us cards, messages, and texts. I know you saw all the festivities from your perch in heaven, but here are some snapshots of the party nonetheless:

Happy birthday to you, baby girl!

Final preparations for the balloon release.

Daddy giving a little speech before the big send-off.

Our friends.

Daddy sends the first balloon to you.

They're off!

How many did you catch, sweetheart?

Beautiful! Just like you.

I hope we did you proud, Jordyn. We love and miss you.

Love,

Your 1st Birthday Party(ies)

Dear Jordy-Bug,

For a while now, we've been pondering how best to honor you for your first birthday, which is rapidly approaching. Cake? Pie (it is Pi day, after all)? Balloon release? Ladybug decorations? Just Daddy and Me? Include family and friends? I just wasn't sure...and neither was Daddy.

Neither of us have ever been huge "birthday people," and we never intended to throw you elaborate birthday parties (and probably not even simple ones until you were old enough to ask for them.) But somehow, we feel differently now. You taught us that a birthday is more precious than we ever realized, and you deserve to be honored on your special day. Besides that, Mommy needs something to look forward to. Something to plan and take my mind off the fact that this is the month in which you died. Something to focus on the knowledge that this is also the month that you lived! In fact, this may very well be more for us than it is for you. We need to be surrounded by people who love you and us. People who wish they got to know you better. People who Daddy and I wish you got to know. So, we talked and decided to have an Open House on March 16th to celebrate you with family and friends! I don't have all of their email addresses to include them on the evite, so I hope any of our friends who see this know they are welcome.

We can't possibly throw a better party than the one you'll be enjoying in heaven, and we're not even going to try to compete. But we will honor you the best way we know how: with friends and family in our home here on earth. Some day, we will be together and then we'll really let 'er rip on your special day!

I love you, little Bug!

Love,

Happy New Year! It's Just Not That Simple

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Wow. I've really slacked on writing to you, and I apologize for that. I guess I needed down time more than I realized, probably because the holidays hit me like a ton of bricks. Daddy and I pretty much avoided everything. We were both sick the entire week of Christmas, so it didn't take much for us to decide to stay on the couch together and forego all the "joyful festivities."

New Years was just as laid back, but probably even more bitter sweet. Friend after friend (with the best of intentions) told me things like, "Soon it will be 2013 and you can forget all about 2012" or "I bet you're glad to see 2012 go!" or even "Now you can tell 2012 to suck it!" Initially, I agreed and thought I would be happy for a new year to begin, but I soon realized that I didn't feel that way at all.

Everyone remembers how "awful" 2012 was for our family, but it actually got off to an amazing start. Nearly a hundred friends came out for the 40th birthday/diaper party that Daddy held for us in early January. Friends and family threw several baby showers in January and February to welcome you. Daddy and I anxiously prepared for your arrival in March. Then, we got to meet you on the blessed day you were born. Obviously, things didn't turn out as we had planned with regard to your birth, but those fourteen days we had with you in the NICU were the most precious days of our lives.

April through December were absolutely horrible. As we grieved intensely for you, it seemed like one thing after another tried to beat us down. Among other things, a couple of our friends lost their children too, while several others lost a parent or grandparent. Grandpa Nockerts got seriously ill and was hospitalized, and Grandma Nockerts fell off a stool and ended up with severe pain and a concussion.

Even with all of the heartache, 2012 was a year that I will never ever wish away. 2012 was the only time we got to hold you in our arms. It was the only time we could bathe you, change your diaper, or comb your lovely hair. It was the only time we could share you with friends and family. For all of these things, I am forever grateful for the year that ended up ravaging our family.

We love you, baby girl. Thank you for those two loving weeks in 2012. Please watch over us in 2013.

Love,