"Jordyn Bear"

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today we received your "Jordyn Bear" in the mail from Molly Bears. You would think I'd be excited to rip the box open and see the bear. I wasn't. I looked at the box for a bit. Slowly, I opened it up, and hesitantly peered into it. The first thing I noticed was the lime green lady bug bow that was affixed to the bear's lopsided left ear. I thought, "Jordyn wore her bow on the right side and her little round ears were symmetrical." Then I saw the eyes, which were tiny and brown. I squeezed my own eyes shut and pictured your beautiful, bright, baby blues. When I saw the mouth, down-turned and angry-looking on the end of a huge, off-centered snout, I couldn't help but think "My girl would never look so mean and her lips were pink and perfect." I lifted the 7 lb, 6 oz bear out of the box and noticed a tiny heart attached to her chest. Immediately, I decided "It's too small; Jordyn's loving heart is 100 times that big." Upon further inspection, I saw that she was wearing a lime green diaper with sparkly lady bugs as diaper pins. Cute, but I requested a tutu similar to the one you wore in your NICU photo shoot. I found every flaw on the bear. Daddy encouraged me to "Just hold it; don't look at it." I laid her on my chest. The weight felt good, but I still burst into tears. I told Daddy, "I want our baby, I don't want this stupid bear!" He hugged me, held me, soothed me, told me that he felt the same way. It was then, in the comfort of his arms, that I realized this bear could have been made out of diamonds or hundred dollar bills and I still would have found fault with her...because she's not you. I don't mean to seem ungrateful. I know that someone from Molly Bears worked very hard on this bear and she was made and sent with love. I also know that several of Mommy and Daddy's friends and family donated their hard-earned money to Molly Bears to get us the bear faster. For that, we will always be thankful. But nothing and no one will ever take your place. This sucks.

I love and miss you so much, honey.

P.S. "Jordyn Bear" is coming with us on our grieving parents retreat at Faith's Lodge. I have some ideas how I can make her more like you before then. ;)

Love,