Yesterday in church, the sermon was about suffering...and persevering through it to show the world our Godly light. Daddy and I have the "suffering" part down, but the other half is easier said than done. Some days I just don't care about the example I'm setting for others; I just want to crumple into a heap and cry. Yesterday was one of those days.
After church, Daddy and I went to a barbecue at Grandma and Grandpa Sander's house. There were quite a few people there who we haven't seen in a while. There were also two small children, a newborn, and a pregnant cousin. It was all too much for me. I was already raw from church, and I had to fight back tears as soon as I walked into the kitchen and saw the baby and the baby bump (both girls.) I didn't want to ruin the day for Daddy or for anyone else, so I tried to make myself scarce. First, retreating to the back room, and then, when it started getting populated, to the basement. I just could not stem the flow of tears. All I could think about was that everyone should have been huddled around baby Olivia AND you in that kitchen, loving on you both and fawning over you both. Daddy held Olivia for quite awhile toward the end of our visit. He looked so sweet with her in his arms. I think it helps him to hold her because he can't hold you.
I cried almost the entire time we were there...and in the car on the way home. I felt terrible that I was so anti-social to people I don't see very often. But a very wise friend of ours told me last night that "Even if they think you are a jerk...you have to just be a "jerk." Take a deep breath and decide what you have to give in a conversation, and do nothing more than that. This is not friend-making season. This is 'my daughter died and I'm healing my heart from this shitty situation' season."
Again, your Daddy was wonderful throughout the entire fiasco. He checked on me and gave me hugs...and he looked so sad that I was having a hard time. He just doesn't know what to do when I get like that. I don't know either.
Today, I took your kitties Echo, Murphy, and Milo to the vet. Echo and Murphy just needed their yearly checkup, but Milo has been very lethargic since we got home from Kansas City. It turns out that Milo was very dehydrated and his liver enzymes were out of whack from not eating. We need to get him to eat or he will have to be put on a feeding tube. I'm not sure God listens to prayers about kitties, but He might listen to you. Please let Him know that Milo is very precious to us, especially Daddy...and that we can't bear to see him sick, or to lose him. In general, we just need a break...losing you, losing other friends' loved ones, a cherished friend getting cancer, Daddy straining the ligaments in his shoulder, elbow, and wrist, me scratching my cornea, the tree at Daddy's other house getting struck by lightening and falling into the neighbor's yard, Milo getting sick...tell God that we still love Him, so there's no need to keep testing our faith.We love you, too, baby girl.
Love,
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