"Normal"

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Good morning sweet girl! I wanted to write to you today because I have lots on my mind. For the last week or so, every time I wash or comb my hair, it falls out in gobs. I asked my friends about it and most of them said it was "normal" after having a baby for this to happen. It got me to thinking. My postpartum life is anything but "normal."

I remember before I even went in to the hospital to have you, people said, "You'll forget all the pregnancy and labor pain as soon as you see that sweet face." They were partially correct, meeting you made all the pain seem insignificant. But the part no one foresaw was that all of the physical labor pain was going to be replaced by new, deeper pains when you died.

All of the postpartum issues that "normal" women deal with are overshadowed by the beautiful baby snuggled on their chest. But not for me. Experiencing the abdominal pain and bleeding following your birth was a souvenir of the time that you lived inside me; but it was also a kick-in-the-gut reminder that I didn't get to experience the fruits of my labor (literally) for very long. Feeling the engorgement of my breasts as they filled with milk was a miraculous experience that told me I could nourish you; but packing it away in a freezer to be donated to someone else's babies was a stab in the heart. Seeing the stretch marks on my belly helps me remember you kicking and rolling around in my womb; but knowing I earned my "tiger stripes" yet I am not able to hold you any more, is a twisted irony. Watching my feet grow out of my shoes by a half a size told me we were healthy while I was pregnant and I imagined pushing you in your stroller through the mall, looking for new shoes; instead, I wear flip-flops and avoid leaving the house if I don't have to. Carrying your precious little self for nine months on my right side (you were just too cozy there, I guess) caused my hips to go out of whack, so I figured we'd "get in shape" together by going for walks on Grant's Trail; but you're not here to walk with me, so I limp along, nursing my aching hips and my broken heart. Riding the postpartum hormonal roller coaster as I returned to my pre-pregnancy self and learned how to be a mommy was expected; because I'm distraught over losing you, it has turned already volatile situations into complete meltdowns. Being sleep-deprived would remind me how much you needed me; I'm still sleep-deprived, not because you need me in the middle of the night, but because I need YOU.

On top of all the "normal" issues after giving birth, I've cried so much that I injured my cornea wiping away the tears. Then I re-injured it wiping away more tears. Now it won't heal properly, because all my tears are washing away my eye's natural lubricant. "Normal" mommies don't have this problem.

Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I'm struggling. I just want to be "normal," but that will never happen while I'm on this earth. God blessed us with you, the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world; one doesn't just get over losing such a precious gift so easily. But I know "all the pain will be worth it" when I see your sweet face...in heaven.

I love you baby-girl.

Love,