30 Days of Thanks: Day 8--Black Mango Tea

Dear Jordy-Bug,

It's been an emotional week, and Mommy needs a break from writing about things that make her cry even more. So, today I'm thankful for Black Mango Iced Tea from QuikTrip (I mix 3/4 unsweetened with 1/4 sweet.) Sometimes, it's the simplest things that can get me through an hour or two. Today, it was seeing your Daddy for 20 extra minutes and the tea. It's very possible that the tea was that much better because I enjoyed it with Daddy. Regardless, I'm thankful for it.

I love you, sweet girl. And I miss you. We both do.

P.S. Give your Great Grandpa Thyes an extra squeeze and a kiss from me today. It's the anniversary of his death; he's been in heaven for 30 years now. In case you were wondering, the first part of your middle name (Tyse-Dallas) came from his last name (a.k.a. Grandma Nockerts' maiden name.)

...so much for not making myself cry.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 7--Our Kitties

Dear Jordy-Bug,

On Day 7, Daddy and I are thankful for our kitties. They love us unconditionally, they greet us when we come home, and they snuggle with us as we drift off to sleep. They are cuddly, soft, and sweet. As you can see by some of the photos where they were watching over your stuff (Landry in your stroller, Echo in your lamb seat, and Murphy/Echo guarding your swing), even they were looking forward to meeting you. Well, maybe not Lucy...she's pretty protective of her Daddy's attention. And maybe not Murphy, because he's a bit of a diva. But Echo and Landry were definitely ready for a new playmate. We still find both of them curled up in your nursery from time to time, and think you three would have been the best of friends. Milo was probably pretty neutral, as he was getting older and weaker. Now that he's joined you in heaven, though, you are both probably running around playing in your healthy bodies and having a wonderful time together. That makes Mommy's heart smile. Take good care of each other, sweetheart.

I love you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 6--Our Friends

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today, I want to share with you how much Mommy and Daddy are eternally grateful for our friends...from elementary school, from high school, from college, from work, from church, and those we have met because they are on a similar grief journey. We couldn't do this without their love and support. We were humbled by the hundreds of friends who showed up to pay their respects to you at your funeral and memorial service. We are thankful for those who sent (and continue to send) cards, emails, and texts just to check on us and let us know they love us. We are grateful for those who keep inviting us out to dinner and to other events even after we may have said "no" multiple times. We appreciate those who check in on Facebook to say they are thinking of us, care about us, or who post photos and quotations that remind them of us and of you. We are blessed by those who walked with us or donated to the Share Walk For Remembrance and Hope in your honor. There are a million reasons, large and small, that we love our friends. In case you forgot some of the other ways they have supported us in the last several months, please go back to the blog post from September 20th. We are truly blessed by each and every one of them.

I'm so glad you had the opportunity to meet some of the amazing people in our lives, Jordyn. Though I wish you had more time on earth to learn firsthand how wonderful they all are. I wish you had more time with all of us.

I love you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 5--Mommy's Brother & Sisters-in-Law

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Before you get too confused, Mommy's brother is only married to one of my sisters-in-law. But I have a total of three sisters-in-law and I am thankful for all of them, so hopefully that explains the post title a little better. ;)

Uncle Steve, Aunt Bonnie, Auntie Kimmy, and Auntie Ashley are blessings to Daddy and Me. Kim and Ashley visited almost every day while you were in the NICU, and Steve and Bonnie (with four kiddos in tow), drove 9 hours to see you for an entire weekend. Their love for you was apparent from first glance. Every one of them marveled at all your dark hair, your cute little lips and nose, and your chubby little legs. They "oohed" and "aahed," played with your fingers and toes, and talked to you every chance they got. They are the best aunts and uncles you could ask for, sweet Jordyn.

Although we don't see or talk to Uncle Steve and Aunt Bonnie very often, we are thankful to have them in our lives. We know they pray for us and think about you, beautiful girl. Kim and Ashley support and love us just like Daddy's parents do (see yesterday's post.) We can't thank them enough for their thoughtfulness, generosity, and love.

I'm sorry they didn't get to know you or spoil you. I'm sorry you didn't get to know them. I know you'd love them as much as we do. On the day you meet them again in heaven, be sure to wear your green bow. I think that one is their favorite.

I love you, little Bug.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4--Daddy's Parents

Dear Jordy-Bug,

You already know that I've been blessed with an amazing husband (your Daddy.) Well, I'm also thankful for Daddy's parents. Your Grandma and Grandpa Sander are the reason Daddy is here and a lot of the reason he is such an amazing man. They are supportive, loving, and generous. They've been with us every step of the way since you were born. As we have dealt with our grief, anger, confusion, guilt, and irritability, Daddy and I haven't always been the easiest people to be around in the last 7+ months. But Grandma and Grandpa Sander have been there...waiting until we're ready...to visit, to talk, or to just be. From visiting daily in the NICU, to making sure our first Mother's Day and Father's Day were special, to walking with us in the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope, to attending your brick dedication...they are always there for us, even as they struggle under the weight of their own grief for you. We appreciate that more than they know.

They were poised to spoil the daylights out of you. It breaks my heart that they will have to wait until they are reunited with you in heaven to do that. If you think heaven rocks now, wait until all your grandparents get there! Until then, beautiful girl, know that they love you and miss you. And Daddy and I love all of you.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 3--Mommy's Parents

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Your Grandma and Grandpa Nockerts are loving, supportive, funny, social, caring people. When they met you for the first time, they fell in love instantly. (Who wouldn't, right?) I could tell by watching them that they had a special love for you. I think maybe it had to do with the fact that their baby girl had a baby girl.


This year has been incredibly difficult for them. When you died, they grieved deeply...for the grandchild they never got to know...for your Mommy who lost the most precious gift in her life...for your Daddy who had to carry the weight of our family's grief on his shoulders. Then Grandpa got very sick. Thankfully, he's on the mend now. This week Grandma's computer got infected. It wouldn't be a big deal, except that she lost all of the important mementos she's been collecting for you. She is completely distraught. Please watch over her and comfort her, sweetheart. It's been a year full of tears for both of them. For all of us. I am so thankful that we have each other.

I love you sweet girl, and I love them.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 2--Daddy

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Today and every day, I'm thankful for your Daddy. I met him later in life when I was 36 and he was 33 (Mommy is kind of a "cougar", but I'll explain that when you're older.) Maybe the delayed meeting is because God wanted us to experience other relationships in order to appreciate each other more. I don't know, but either way, I'm incredibly grateful He put Daddy in my life. When I first met him, I learned very quickly that he is a loving, smart, kind, thoughtful, honest, protective, patient, quiet, diligent, supportive, passionate, dependable, sweet, strong, generous, courageous, respectful, responsible, humble, God-loving man. As time went on, I learned that he is not as quiet as he first appears. When he has something that is important to him, he has lots to say. He can go on and on about track and football. He talks about you often, sweet Jordyn.

As our relationship developed, I learned that he wanted to be a Daddy. This thrilled me and caused me to fall even further in love with him. We got married on January 14, 2011 and immediately set to work on creating our little family. For a variety of reasons, we both agreed that we only wanted one child; Mommy's age, our desire to "not be greedy," and the ability to focus all our love and attention on one baby went into that decision. Fast forward five and a half months to July 2, when we got a positive reading on a pregnancy test. Our dream came true...you were coming into this world to complete us!

You were born exactly 14 months after our marriage began. On March 14, 2012, you made Daddy's favorite number (14) that much more precious to him. Beginning on that day in the NICU and even more so after you died two short weeks later, Daddy reached new heights in being loving, courageous, strong, and devoted to growing as our family's spiritual leader. I never wanted to go through such a horrendous loss, but if I had to go through it, I wouldn't want any other person by my side. Along with God, Daddy has been my rock. He makes me smile when I think I'm never going to smile again. He holds me and comforts me when I think I'm never going to stop crying. He encourages me when I think I'll never do anything productive ever again. He reminds me that God loves me, even when I don't feel it. Every day, he shows me how much he loves me, and how much he loves you. He would be such an awesome Daddy to you on this earth. That makes me happy and sad at the same time. He's an amazing Daddy, who never got to fully show you the extent of his love. Some day, baby girl. Some day, we'll all be together again and you'll learn firsthand why I'm so grateful for Daddy.

I love you both.

P.S. I shouldn't update the blog for you on my lunch time. Crying at my desk at school is not cool.

Love,

30 Days of Thanks: Day 1--You

Dear Jordy-Bug,

This month contains Thanksgiving, a day that is devoted to counting our blessings and thanking God for them. Instead of just one day, though, some people choose to give thanks every day of the month (see the 30 Days of Thanks link in the side bar to learn more.) It's not only a way to let others know who and what we are thankful for, but it's a way for the "thanker" (in this case, your Mommy) to become acutely aware that there are so many, many gifts that God has given me. That, in and of itself, is a blessing. And He deserves my public gratitude for all of it.

Although the list of thirty people and things for which I am thankful is going to be in no particular order, it makes sense that I begin with you, my sweet Jordyn. Nothing and no one has impacted my life like you have. I carried you in my womb for nine months, dreamt of you for even longer, and devoted myself to you for the two precious weeks you lived with Daddy and me in the NICU. I've thought of you every minute of the day since you died. My life revolves around loving you and keeping your memory alive. You have taught me so much about love, grace, patience, and what truly matters in life. I will never be the same as I was before I met you, because you have made me a better person. And for that, little one, I will be forever thankful. I can't wait to get to heaven to thank you in person. But until then, know that Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you tremendously, and we thank God every day that He gave you to us...even for a little while.

Love,

You Were Supposed to Be a Football

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Last year at this time, just after we found out you were a girl, I started thinking about what costume you'd wear for your first Halloween (one of approximately 10 million plans I had for you.) I guessed you'd be around 8 months old when the holiday rolled around in 2012 because, for some reason, Daddy and I both thought you'd be a Leap Day baby and come a little earlier than your March 10th due date. So, I started scouring the internet for the perfect 9-month costume for Trunk or Treat at church. It didn't take me long to find the ideal match. What could be more perfect for a big, hulking football coach than to carry around his little Jordyn "TD" under his arm, as everyone giggled at our little baby girl "football?" Yes, you were supposed to be a football. Not a fairy princess, not a ballerina, not a cute little butterfly or bumble bee. A football. Because that's how Daddy and I roll. We thought you'd have plenty of time to wear what you wanted as you got older. And, although I guessed you'd be like Mommy and avoid dresses at all costs, I also didn't think you'd go for the football idea later. So, we were intent on doing it our way for at least a year or two. Hence the big ol' bows you donned in the NICU. (A friend of mine told me that you are probably still cursing me for making you wear them, by the way. Lol.)

You never got to be a football. Or a princess. Or a ballerina. Or anything else. Grandma Nockerts lovingly ordered a ladybug costume for you, but because your life was cut short 7 months before Halloween ever arrived, your Jordyn Bear will wear it. Silly to some people, I suppose. But it's all we have now.

We didn't go to Trunk or Treat last Saturday. We didn't even go to the annual meeting at church after Trunk or Treat, because I didn't want to be surrounded by cute little babies all dressed up in adorable costumes. Some of our friends graciously dressed their little ones in ladybug costumes in your honor, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go see them. So, Daddy and I grabbed a pizza and then came home to watch shows we had recorded on the DVR. Not at all what either of us pictured last October.

Now here I sit on the eve of what should be your first Halloween, wiping away tears as I think about how there's no little football crawling around our house. No "oohs and aahs" from neighbors, friends, or family about how cute you are in your costume. No stash from which to extract our Mommy and Daddy "candy tax" (I guess that's better for our waistlines anyway.) No Halloween at all. Tomorrow night, we'll be at Daddy's playoff football game. I'm hoping and praying there won't be babies in costumes, but I doubt I'd get that lucky. So, I'll deal with it the best I can. Maybe I'll picture you in heaven trick-or-treating. My, what a grand-scale Trunk or Treat that must be! Since you get to choose your own costume, what will you be? Whatever you choose, you'll be the cutest one ever. I just know it. I just wish Daddy and I could see it.

We miss you, little Bug. More than anything, we love you.

Love,

I Am Not Okay

Dear Jordy-Bug,

Every day people ask "How are you?" I usually say, "I'm OK, how are you?" Every day I lie to people. The truth is...I cry every day; Jordyn Bear is matted with tears. I don't sleep; or I sleep too much. Food is tasteless. My motivation is gone. Our house isn't clean and I don't care. I cook only so Daddy doesn't starve. I don't want to go to work. I can barely get out of bed most mornings. I'm exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically. I don't have the energy to cope with others, much less serve them or even love them as they deserve to be loved. I'm uncomfortable trying to be social with friends or family. Seeing baby girls, especially those with dark hair or those wearing bows, sends me into a tizzy. Encountering pregnant women, or learning someone is pregnant, makes me irrationally grumpy. Church is joyless. Everything is joyless. I see a counselor every other week and attend a support group with Daddy once a month; I'm still ridiculously sad and angry. I'm a 40 year old woman who sleeps with a 7 lb, 6 oz teddy bear, writes a blog to you, and sends balloons up to heaven because I can't hold you or tell you I love you in person. I am not okay.

I want to see you grow up. I want to kiss you, hug you, and tickle you. I want to see you smile. I want to hear you giggle. I want to take a million more photos of you. I want to watch you dance with Daddy and dress up like a cheerleader while he watches football. We can't do any of those things. And it's killing me.

This morning, I was wide awake at 2:30am thinking of you. By 5am, I couldn't fight back the tears any longer. Daddy held me and told me he loves me. He asked if I was going to be OK today. I told him I was going to "be." That was enough for him because he knows...I am not okay.

I love you, sweet girl. I miss you like crazy. I want to be okay again, but I don't know how. Realistically, I don't think that will happen until I see you again. Until then, smile at the goodness all around you in heaven, giggle until it hurts, practice your dancing so you're ready when Daddy gets there, and please grow up slowly. We don't want to miss everything.

Love,